On Defense Against the Dark Arts

Heaven and Hell

A general was tired from years of war and fighting, so he went to study with a Chan master.

During his first class, General asked his teacher, “Do heaven and hell exist?”

Master acted as if not hearing his question, but said calmly, “For all those years you were away fighting battles, you wife must have slept with multiple men.”

“Watch your foul mouth!” The general was furious. His hands were on his hilt, ready to draw out his sword. “I am going to kill you!”

“This”, exclaimed Master, pointing a steady finger at General’s eyes, “is the entrance to hell.”

General was struck by embarrassment. He kowtowed to Master. “Please show me a new path.”

“This,” said Master as he reached out his hands to help General up, “is the door to heaven.”

Spider

A Chan practitioner was troubled.

“Every time I meditate recently,” complained the practitioner to her teacher, “an enormous spider would crawl towards me.”

“Bring a pen with you when you meditate next time,” Master replied. “If the spider shows up again, take your pen and draw a big circle on it.”

That evening, the pupil was again in meditation when she sensed the spider closing in on her. She opened her eyes, and saw the giant creature, as big as her face, right in front of her eyes. It was suspended by its web from the ceiling and its furry legs were moving menacingly.

She mustered all her courage and drew a circle on its dark fat belly. In a flash of light, the spider disappeared.

“I did it!” exclaimed the pupil as she went to tell her master, flashing the pen in her teacher’s eyes, “I drew a circle on the spider and it went away!”

“Good!” said Master. “What is it on your belly?”

She looked down. There was a big circle on her shirt where her belly was.

(Brook's commentary tbc...Hint: Compare to Harry Potter's conversation below)